Ask the Psychologist Column

We asked some psychology experts on child development and parenting to provide viewers with updated, research-based information.

This time we asked Dr. Angie Sanders to answer two questions about parenting and how parenting styles impact children.

Question 1:

My husband and I have been separated for 6 months. The kids spend every other weekend at his place, and he lets them "run wild." It's hard to get them back under control when they come home on Sunday night, because they're used to staying up late and doing whatever they want. What do you suggest?

Mothers and fathers are different and many times have different parenting styles. What vary are their behaviors and the range of the differences and their impact on children. The best possible solution to this concern would be to set aside the differences to agree upon some basic common rules for consistency for the children.

What would the basic common rules be?

1. Identify some general rules that provide a common foundation for the children that their father and you were able to agree. For instant that the children would have a bedtime range, that they should be respectful to others, talk quietly while inside, run outdoors only, put away toys, etc.
   
   
2. Establish some common transitional/travel rules. Transitioning between parents and houses, even under the best circumstances, can be a major stress for children. When children understand that their parents are working together to make the transitions easier, then their behavior following the transitions will return to their more “normal” behavior for that household sooner. Ideally, in order to make transition for the children easier, you and their father will agree to some common rules and details, such as:

   a) Both of you will keep - in each house - the same basic items such as toothbrushes, underwear, pajamas, etc to make packing easier for the kids;

   b) Both parents will help your children pack necessary items needed for the visit with the other parent, such as special clothing needed, special toys, homework projects, etc.;

   c) You will share dropping off the children when it’s time for their visit to the other parent,

   d) You will agree to not talk about the other parent in a negative manner in front of the children.

3. Have a family meeting including the children’s father, or if this is not possible, have yourself a conversation with them because this will reassure your children that both parents love them and want them to feel safe during this family change. These conversations are an ideal time to:

   a) Tell the children which are the common rules established by you and their father.

   b) Talk about what they are expected to do during the time that they are preparing to visit with the other parent.

   c) Help children understand that there may be “different” rules for them to follow in each home, but some basic rules will be the same.

   d) Depending on the age of the children, encourage them to think of ways they can be reminded about the rules. Perhaps they can draw some travel rule reminders, for example.

   e) You’ll also begin to teach them about “household rules” and how they may differ between homes.

4. During the times that your children are transitioning, you can support them in returning to your home and your rules by engaging in the following:
   • Be as low key as possible during their immediate return. Welcome them home with brief hugs and the expectation that they will have some time to readjust to being “home”.
   • Work with the children to establish a “special returning” activity that they can look forward to and count on each time. It might be that you all play a board game, share ice cream, watch an agreed upon television show, etc. It would just be a reassuring tradition that you all agree to that will help them re-adjust.
   • If behavior is initially inappropriate, be patient , remain calm and remind the children about the “home rules”. While all children might test limits, the more consistent you can be with your rules and consequences, the quicker your children will return to their home baseline.
     
     
5. Reassure your children that regardless of which home they are in and the differences between you and their father, they are loved both. Make sure you are consistent in enforcing your rules and the common rules established with their father. Doing so your children will learn what the rules are, what is expected of them and will be more likely to follow them. Involve your children in conversations that are appropriate to their age level about rules and consequences for following them or not.

Question 2:

I have never been one to yell at my children.  However, when they come home from school they get into sibling fights and yell at each other.  If they are learning screaming in school, what can I do at home to change that?

Despite the frustration you feel about it, sibling conflicts are actually a fairly typical part of family life. Children may fight for a variety of reasons including that:

• They have different temperament and personalities, can be of different ages and are at different moments in their social and mental developmental process and have different behaviors and ways to react to other people and situations;
• They can be tired;
• They may want to call a parent’s attention;
• They create rivalry with each other;
• They can learn inappropriate behaviors at school such as bullying, or
• One of the children wants to control a situation and the other one resists control and/or rebels;
• They don’t know how to resolve conflicts in positive ways

What Parents Can Do?

• Stay calm, don’t yell or use physical punishment. Separate the children and calm them down. Be firm and explain that yelling, throwing a tantrum, and fighting are unacceptable behavior at home.
• When the children are calm, ask them about their reasons for the fight.
• Pay close attention to your children’s behaviors to know the reason for the disagreements. Reasons and behaviors vary according to their ages and developmental stage.
• Handle each behavior differently: For instance:
• You will handle differently if they are tired or want attention.
• If your notice that your children are showing inappropriate behaviors they may have learned from their peers or in their classrooms, you may want to talk about their school day, what happened there. If your children are being exposed to bullying behavior at school, then you can learn more about this in your conversations with them and take some action with the school and your children.
• Are they arguing about a toy, a game, a snack, or some type of other activity? If that’s the case, then you can establish some house rules about how to obtain the desired object or activity.
• Are they tired? Perhaps, it is better to set up a rest calm period following their return from school before any joint activity.
• Are your children of different ages? Sometimes children of different ages will fight, because one is tired or one wants to “be like the other”. These circumstances may require that you spend some individual time with each child teaching them on their developmental level about appropriate behaviors with their sibling.

What Else Can Parents Do?

When the situation has settled down, then you’ll want to work with your children to establish or reinforce ground rules for managing their after-school skirmishes. You can also take the opportunity to teach them some positive skills to deal with conflicts.

a) Depending on their ages, involve your children in establishing simple rules that your family will live by in resolving disagreements. You can start the list and then ask the kids for their ideas to be added. You can start with:

“In this house, we talk quietly and respectfully when we are upset with each other. We never call each other names or curse.”

b) Remind them of some of the behaviors your family do not approve such as slamming doors, or breaking toys, name calling or physical aggression. You can state it positively as, “In our house, we are careful when closing doors and we respect each other’s property.” “In our house we respect each other”.

c) Kids respond best with lots of verbal and visual cues, so make it a family activity to create a rule poster board that can be referred to when there are disagreements.

d) Teach your children how to resolve their conflicts with each other. Use the IDEAL model.

IDENTIFY the problem and reasons for the conflict and the feelings of everybody involved.

DETERMINE what the possible alternative solutions are.

EVALUATE the alternative solutions: what is possible, doable.

ACT choosing the best positive solution to resolve the problem.

LEARN from what you did to solve the conflict.

e) Don’t forget to reward your kids for engaging in the process successfully even if they aren’t immediately able to obtain a reasonable solution.

Last words:

Be patient with the children because they are learning how to interact with each other. It takes time to learn new habits. It’s essential that you practice your own self-control and don’t act on impulse because children learn by watching other people.

Maintain a good relationship with your children, talk to them about their days and problems, let them express their feelings, praise their good behaviors, and spend time with them in fun activities.

For additional information, check here on the ACT website for information for parents and teachers.